Adoption is an emotional journey that transforms lives—both for the child and the families involved. When birth parents choose adoption, they entrust their child to another family, sometimes hoping for continued contact through letters. Whether you’re writing in an open adoption or preparing a letter for a future time, what you say matters. The right words can foster love and understanding, while the wrong ones might cause confusion or hurt.
In this article, we’ll explore five critical mistakes to avoid when writing an adoption letter to your child. Whether you’re a birth parent or an adoptive family member seeking guidance, this advice will help you create a supportive, healing message.
1. Discussing Your Other Children Too Soon
In open adoptions, it’s natural for children to wonder about their birth family. However, discussing your other children in your letter can create unnecessary confusion or feelings of abandonment. If your child is old enough to understand the circumstances of their adoption, you may share some details, but be cautious about comparing your children.
Why this matters:
When children read about siblings in the adoption letter, they may feel left out or unloved, especially if the circumstances around their adoption were difficult. If you’re uncertain how to address this, talk to a counselor to better understand your child’s emotional readiness for such information.
Best Practice:
If you do want to share details about other children, be sure that your child understands the reasons behind their adoption first. It’s also a good idea to avoid sharing accomplishments or using your other children’s achievements as a point of comparison.
2. Speaking Negatively About the Child’s Other Parent
Regardless of your relationship with the child’s father or mother, avoid speaking negatively about them. The circumstances of your child’s birth were not their fault. Even if there were challenges or difficult emotions tied to the other biological parent, your child will need to form their own opinion in a safe, loving environment.
Why this matters:
Negative comments about the child’s other biological parent could hurt your child and lead them to feel conflicted or responsible for the relationship issues. Adoption is about creating a positive future, and this requires leaving the past behind.
Best Practice:
Focus on the child’s future, their happiness, and the love they have in their adoptive home. If you need to express your feelings about the biological parent, do so in a private setting, such as therapy, not in your adoption letter.
3. Criticizing the Adoptive Family
It’s understandable to feel protective or possessive over your child, especially when they are with a new family. However, avoid criticizing the adoptive parents or implying that you could have done things better. Your goal should be to support your child’s relationship with their adoptive family, not undermine it.
Why this matters:
Children need to feel secure and loved by both their biological and adoptive families. When they sense that one family is being pitted against the other, it can cause emotional confusion and strain on relationships.
Best Practice:
If you have concerns about the child’s well-being, address them with the appropriate authorities, not in your adoption letter. Encourage your child to embrace the love and support offered by their adoptive family while reassuring them of your love.
4. Shaming or Criticizing the Birth Mother
Open adoptions provide opportunities for communication between birth parents and children. However, if you are the adoptive parent or an adult child reading these letters, it’s essential to avoid shaming or criticizing the birth mother. Statements like, “It’s too bad you missed so much of my life due to your struggles” or “Teen pregnancy was a mistake” can leave lasting emotional scars.
Why this matters:
Shaming comments may damage your relationship with your child and hinder their emotional development. Adoption is a complex process, and the birth mother’s choices often come from a place of deep personal struggle. Respect for their journey is essential.
Best Practice:
Ensure your adoption letters focus on empathy, love, and gratitude. Express your respect for the birth family’s decision to choose adoption and how it shaped your own life. Help your child understand that love, not judgment, should define their adoption experience.
5. Failing to Send Letters Consistently
Open adoption allows birth and adoptive families to stay connected through letters. If you agreed to a consistent communication plan, not following through can create feelings of abandonment or uncertainty, especially during special occasions like birthdays and holidays.
Why this matters:
Inconsistent communication can lead to disappointment, anxiety, and feelings of being forgotten. It’s crucial for the child to feel assured that they are loved and remembered.
Best Practice:
Be consistent with your letters, especially around key milestones like birthdays or holidays. Regular communication helps maintain the bond and provides a sense of continuity for the child. If you cannot send letters as planned, communicate openly with the adoptive family about any changes.
Key Takeaways for Writing an Adoption Letter
Adoption is a beautiful, life-changing experience, and the words you choose in your adoption letter can have a lasting impact on your child’s well-being. By avoiding these five mistakes, you can ensure that your letter supports your child’s emotional development and strengthens the bond between both families.
Always remember: The adoption letter should reflect love, respect, and an understanding of the child’s emotional needs. If you’re ever unsure, it may be helpful to speak with a counselor or adoption professional for further guidance.